Commentary on Parshat Vayetze (Genesis 28:10 – 32:3)
You’re probably familiar with Jacob’s dream and his realization, at the beginning of this week’s Torah portion, that “God was in this place and I, I did not know.” Less famous is the divine support Jacob receives upon his return at the end of the portion. As Jacob leaves his father-in-law, Laban, for the final time, the Torah describes his new realization:
Jacob went on his way, and the messengers of God encountered him. When he saw them, Jacob said, “This is God’s camp.” So he named that place Mahanaim [Two Camps]. (Genesis 32:2-3)
The Midrash teaches that the plural name of Mahanaim refers to the fact that there were two sets of angels accompanying Jacob. There were the angels with him outside of the Land of Israel, who followed him up until that point, and the angels who were joining him as he reentered the land of Israel. Given Jacob’s many troubles, it may seem like the angels who followed him outside of the land of Israel were not doing a good job of protecting him, but they may have given Jacob exactly the support and protection he needed at exactly the right moment.
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When we think about Jacob’s relationship with Laban, divine protection seems like a necessity. Laban forced Jacob to work seven years in order to wed Laban’s daughter Rachel, only to trick him into marrying his other daughter, Leah, first. Laban also withheld fair wages from Jacob as he tended Laban’s flocks. As Jacob successfully grows his own flocks, he begins to hear murmurs among Laban’s sons threatening Jacob, and Laban seem to turn increasingly hostile. Upon conferring with Rachel and Leah, they recognize that nothing good will come of remaining in Laban’s house, and they leave for the land of Israel. Upon learning about their departure three days later, Laban chases after them. Once Laban catches them, and asks why they left in such a secretive way, Jacob responds with a tirade full of the years of anger he feels towards Laban.
Instead of answering the credible accusations, Laban flips the blame back onto Jacob. According to Laban, Jacob was wrong to have left without saying goodbye, and he simply was sad to have missed the chance to say goodbye to his daughters and grandchildren. In fact, he would have even sent them off with a celebration! He calls Jacob’s actions foolish, and claims that Jacob was acting like a kidnapper by leaving in the middle of the night. Like many powerful figures, Laban responds to credible accusation by painting himself as a victim.
Flipping credible accusations back onto the accuser is a common pattern. This pattern is embedded in a culture that ignores accusations of sexual abuse. It is on full display when political leaders paint their critics as traitors to their country’s values. The psychologist Jennifer Freyd studies and named this pattern DARVO, an acronym for “deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.” People in power follow this pattern because it works.
Find more Torah from T’ruah commentaries on Parshat Vayetze here.
Jacob responds to this reverse accusation by creating a barrier and separating himself and his family from Laban. The separation, however, is not immediate: he does give Laban a chance to say goodbye to his daughters and grandsons — during which Laban also takes the opportunity to threaten Jacob a few more times. Laban is sincere in his desire to say goodbye to his progeny, but his presence is a symbol of the years of oppression. His power means that he is able to turn his own aggression into accusations back against Jacob.
Given all of this, what would have been the protection of the angels accompanying Jacob throughout his journey? You might have thought that the angels were not strong enough, which is why a new set of protectors were necessary to bring Jacob back to the land of Israel and to face his brother Esau. Jacob’s final actions with his father-in-law, however, show a certain amount of strength. Instead of engaging with Laban’s reverse accusations, Jacob creates a clear boundary so that he is able to have a complete separation from the abusing Laban. Recognizing how the DARVO pattern affects people psychologically will hopefully lead to strategies in minimizing its effect. Early research shows that simply knowing this pattern may help to weaken it. I’d like to imagine that the angels who accompanied Jacob were able to support him in seeing Laban’s reverse accusation clearly, enabling him to take the necessary steps and not get sucked into another cycle of abuse.
Just as the angels with Jacob kept him from falling into the trap of Laban’s reversing credible accusations, we must also find ways to recognize and understand DARVO and support people and movements that are standing up against it.
Philip Gibbs is a rabbi in West Vancouver, British Columbia. He was a T’ruah Israel fellow as a rabbinical student in 2013-2014.